A last stand...

A last stand:

http://www.amoraltalk.com/shows/amoral-laststand.mp3

[I apologize in advance if this post seems like I wasn’t awake when writing it, it was considerably more off the cuff than my normal writing… and if you’ve ever watched me write, you know that’s saying something…]

               

             So, there it is… the last episode of Amoral Talk. If you’re just now reading this [I’m writing to the future here] then a small amount of background information is probably required. For a few years now, I was a co-host of a comedy podcast called Amoral Talk. In the podcast Kane [Gyo] and I would use news stories as a jumping point and pretty much rag on the world. I had a long-term plan for the show, which would have worked if Gyo would have been more consistent. It seemed that everytime we had a decent following [at one point our weekly downloads were in the thousands], Gyo would disappear on me for a few months and people would stop subscribing.

                I don’t think this would have been all that big of a deal if I hadn’t found out that he and a few of his buddies had stolen the next phase of my idea, including one of the working titles I had going for it, and put it out themselves. Then, after they have recorded their first episode, Gyo came over to record this last show and basically said ‘yeah, let’s wrap this up with this episode’. Nice bro, real classy there.

                Now it should be noted that this post isn’t just a rant piece. You see, a friend who listened to the episode asked if I was actually mad. You see, I call Gyo out about the whole ordeal right off of the bat and listening to the show, you get that uncomfortable feeling that I’m actually absurdly pissed off, but that I’m trying to play it off for the show [at least I get the impression that it comes off that way]. This post is an attempt to explain what was, and is, actually going on in my head.

                Am I mad? Yes.

                But it’s a mixed bag in the area of reasons and such. You see, here’s a dirty little secret about the whole event… I wasn’t surprised.

Warning here: The next little bit is going to sound like I’m having a pity party. I want to say right at the outset that I’m not. What I’m saying next is the blunt honest truth, and in my case, the truth is pretty pitiful…

                To further explain, let me use this blog for an example. I have one follower, and to be blunt, I’m surprised that even she’s following me. I think it’s telling when you put a project together and you have to beg people to pay attention to it. It’s even more telling when you can’t even get your own partner to listen or look at it. That is the situation that I’m almost always in. Oh, and just so it’s said, the person who is following me on this blog is not my partner.

                My podcast was popular, when it was popular, to people very removed from myself. I know of one person, just one, that listened to it with any frequency, and that was mainly because I made copies of the show on CD and gave it to her, which is pretty sad since she is an iphone nut and all of our shows were on itunes. But, as I said, this is the situation I usually find myself in.

                Part of the issue is that, as a person I’m pretty forgettable. Take a former buddy of mine, Jason. He and I were friends starting back in tenth grade. By the time we hit our mid-twenties Jason pretty much only called or hung out with me when he needed something. Now it should be said that, as I understand it [and personally think], Jason is a pretty nice guy. His girlfriend [whom he’ll never marry, if you’re wondering] and his other friends just think he’s just the bees-knees. I mean, he’s fairly successful in his career [sound production], people like hanging out with him and he’s over-all well liked.

                Over the last two years of our association I tried getting together with Jason to hang out. We had each other friend-ed on FB and I shrugged off not being able to get a hold of him as him just being busy. Sure, I kept seeing pics of him and people that I was only kinda friends with being posted and pics of parties I wasn’t invited to up on his page, but… oh who the hell am I kidding. You know when it was that he was available to hang out with me? When he needed me for something.

                It’s the same deal with Gyo. He doesn’t need me now, so he’ll disappear, and much the same as Jason, I’ll de-friend him on FB after a little while and I’ll never hear from him again unless he needs something [as a side note, I had de-friended Jason, and he noticed about 8 months later… when he needed something…].

                I could pass this off as them being punks or bad friends, but in reality, I’m pretty sure the problem is with me and me alone. It would be one thing if this happened once or twice. I could just shrug it off, but seeing as this has happened with just about everyone that I’ve known, at this point I have to look in the mirror. At the moment I want to think that it’s just me being forgettable. Another easy to give example: If I were to die this afternoon and my partner decided to tell no one, outside of a few people I hang out with at school, there is no one in my life [online or analog] that would notice my being gone. One day, off in the dim future, someone might ask ‘hey, I wonder what ever happened to that guy… oh, what was his name…’ but that would be about it.   

                The next problem: It seems that people are honestly un-interested in things when I do them. As I said before, there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that I do or am into that any of my friends are interested in, period. I mean, not even out of a sense of duty [speaking of my partner here]. The likelihood that anyone that I know reading this blog, aside from Pandorina, is so remotely small that I’m pretty sure I have more of a chance of walking outside this afternoon, falling on my face and just happening to fall into a pit of money. Yeah… that low. So why do I even try? Well… it’s still fun, even if no one pays any attention…

                So, now that I’ve ranted pretty ineffectually for a while, I suppose I’ll drop it [or at least drop it for now and edit it later if I fell like adding something]. As for my being pissed about the pod-cast and Gyo stealing an idea from me, yeah I was pissed off though I suppose it was more about not being included, but at the end of the day, it’s not like I expected anything different. So, all in all, I suppose I’m pretty much over it… guess I’ll go study.

-Tank